It’s funny how people assume they know exactly what I’m discussing or who I’m discussing. You don’t know anything, imbecile.
Joy Division and Sonic Youth playing on repeat for so long that my records are scratched. Every album I own is so worn down from the abuse that I’m unsure how they still play.
Goddammit, Alaska. Why do I miss you with ever fiber of my being? I met some of the most amazing people I have ever known there. That place is something else.
Tallahassee is fucking calling. My stomach is a wreck. I can’t stop the feeling of wanting to run away again. I want it all to just end. It’s like my every motivation is to just get out. Get out now. Get out fast. Get out somehow. St. Augustine, The Keys, The Panhandle, anywhere.
I think it’s because no matter where I go you won’t be there. That’s the most fucked up part of this.
I can’t wait to be back in Brazil again. I know I won’t want to leave once I’m home. Things are bad everywhere. It’s getting worse as time goes on. At least my beautiful flower is there. Everything. She is everything that matters to me.
Can someone turn off the American Football already? It’s depressing. I love it. But it just makes me so sad. Sadness is overrated. You were overrated. I will spend my days around him. He finds comfort in me. And vice versa. Versa vice. Vices. You were a vice.
After a 50 lb tote fell on my wrist today I contemplated smashing my body to the ground.
I contemplated crying and letting the tears just stream down my face.
I contemplated acting like a fool.
I decided not to because the last time I acted like a fool was the last time I saw you.
I think of our conversations and your eyes often. Your smile and the way it felt when your hand would brush against my skin.
I contemplated staying but ended up running like I always do.
I’ve got a car, I’m in the process of buying a house, I have a fantastic job. I just can’t imagine a life without you in it. I was a fool for so very long over you. I’ve been walking the street over you. I’ve been living a dream over you. I’m lost or so it seems. All over you.
All over you.
You over all.
Taking my mind away from thoughts that manipulate my rationality.
People creep their ways into my mind. Into my soul. I sit and wait for the fumes to pass. For the train to run express and keep on going until it hits the water.
He said that I came to him in a dream. The he had never felt this way about anyone. That I had taken him and molded him without trying or even knowing what I was doing.
He said he was in love with me for so long that he didn’t know how to act. He couldn’t just be whenever he was around me. He regretted not telling me. Not showing me how he felt.
You know what really fucking sucks?
People change. Their opinions, their minds, their hearts.
I can’t believe I fell for someone the way I fell for you. Goddamn fucking foolish love.
Feeling something sinking out of my fingertips and on to the pages of my life is surreal.
I’ll never understand why I am the type of person I am. Why I fit a certain stereotype to everyone but can’t seem to achieve the one thing I actually want.
Whenever someone is interested and actually act as though they care about the type of person I am and if I am alright and how they can help and and a n d a.n.d. I just lose all interest.
Stop talking to me.
I don’t care about you.
I don’t want you to know me.
I don’t want your voice living under my skin.
I don’t want to think about how you feel beside me.
I don’t want to wake up next to you.
I want to run so fucking far away that no one care hear my screaming or see my pain anymore. I want you to just be a stupid nightmare.
The guy I’m sleeping with looks exactly like the last guy I was sleeping with.
I’m a fucking mess.
Sex just isn’t the same if it’s not with you.
I thought I could be fine without you. I was so fucking wrong.
I have fucking fallen apart.
There are no goddamn words to describe the way I feel right now.
I’m using every crutch I’ve ever known. Don’t let this be the end of me.
I can’t even face myself.
I can feel my train coming.
Fifteen days and life as I know it will just fade away. I wish I could say I’m sad to see it go.
I just don’t feel anything.
Goddammit I am so fucking numb its disgusting. I don’t feel a thing anymore.
Where has my mind gone? I wish I could stay. I wish so many things. I wish there were a way to make it all disappear. I wish you weren’t so fucking far away. In every sense of that phrase.
I wish I could just stop time for one day.
You are the reoccurring kind.
You never really leave my mind.
Things go well.
Things go poorly.
Things get strange.
I’m the most important person in my life. At this point nobody else matters. And since I matter to so few people I guess that’s alright.
My life is a beautiful mistake. Every single part of it. I’m reminded of that every single time I see my own face.
“Unsure of what the balance held I touched my belly, overwhelmed, by what I had been chosen to perform.”
Just want a relationship where we can go to each others houses every night and just cuddle, and play fight, and eat pizza, and tease each other, and watch anime and horror movies together, and then have really rough sex. And just be completely comfortable around each other, like we don’t have to care what we look like, we don’t even have to make effort. I just want that every night. uGH.
I’m finished with this situation between us.I do miss the way you taste. And just like that, I lost my head.